How To Deal With Mom Guilt With Alina Fortis

Achieving clear, radiant, and smooth skin doesn't have to be complicated.

It's all about learning how to care for YOUR unique skin type. Welcome to the skin coach in Georgia, a podcast dedicated to teaching you about healthy skin, what it takes to clear your acne and age gracefully.

I am Maedeh Samimi, a former acne sufferer turned medical esthetician and founder of Urban Skincare Clinic. I've helped 1000s of women just like you love their skin again, and get compliments. It's been my calling to be an esthetician friend to other women, someone I desperately needed by my side when struggling with acne but didn't have. So, let's improve your skin's health starting now.

I know what it's like to not feel your best self.

For me it was my physical appearance, my skin, for you, it might be because you're not feeling fulfilled in your career or the phase of life you're in right now. I say all this to say I met Alina at a women's networking event sometime last year and as soon as she introduced herself, I was intrigued to learn more.

Alina Fortis is a working mom, certified coach and psychology enthusiast working with people for more than 20 years specializing in helping women overcome stress, improve relationships and nurture their well-being.

Maedeh: Hi Alina, Welcome to the show, and we're going to go right into today's topic! What is life coaching?

Alina: Thanks for having me. So for the people who are not familiar with life coaching, I'll explain briefly what it is. It's like having a guide and a personal cheerleader rolled into one. It's all about helping you figure out what you want in life and how to get there and I think it's important to note the difference between coaching and therapy, the key difference being therapy is focused on the past experiences and emotional healing while life coaching is more focused on the present and the future. It's about setting goals, creating actual events, overcoming obstacles and moving forward.

Maedeh: How did you get into life coaching?

Alina: I studied psychology back in Romania. I've been working with people for more than 20 years, and I specialize in working with women and helping them overcome stress, I understand the struggles, the highs and the lows, constantly juggling various roles, always feeling short on time. And sometimes short tempered in managing endless to-do lists, and being overwhelmed. I love to use my knowledge and my experience to help moms calm and clear their mind, set healthy boundaries, prioritize their time, improve relationships at work and at home, practice self-care and nurture their well being, embrace confidence and recognize their self worth.

Maedeh: I'm sure there is mom guilt no matter which side you're on; working or stay-at-home. But today we're focusing on working mom guilt. What is working-mom guilt and how do we minimize it?

Alina: I love this topic because it resonates with so many moms, and today we'll focus on working-mom guilt. This is that nagging feeling that many moms get when they are juggling their career and family life, feeling torn between being at work and being home with the kids.

Imagine sitting in a meeting and all you can think about is your daughter's school play that you're missing. It's basically fueled by this unrealistic expectation of being the supermom who effortlessly balances everything with a big smile on her face. But if we want to get real, that's not how life works.

Society doesn't really help either because it makes us feel like we're falling short as moms. So here's the thing, moms' guilt is completely normal. It doesn't mean we're failing as moms, it just means that we are human.

So it's crucial to give ourselves a break and understand that it's okay to feel this way sometimes and remembering that perfection is an illusion. It does not exist! It only adds unnecessary stress to our lives.

Embracing imperfection is about freeing ourselves from unrealistic expectation and focusing on what truly matters, our well being, our family, and enjoying this journey called life.

Maedeh: Well said! So, how do we minimize mom guilt?

Alina: First of all we need to acknowledge this feeling. It's totally normal to feel guilt when we are torn between work and family. Just acknowledging that feeling without being too hard on ourselves is a great first step. Remember, you're not alone in this, plenty of other working moms are navigating the same emotions.

So for instance, if you miss your kid's soccer game because you have a work deadline, it's okay to feel a bit guilty and recognizing that feeling is the first step.

Secondly, you can reframe your perspective, instead of dwelling on what you couldn't do, focus on what you did accomplish. Celebrate small wins, no matter how small they may seem, when finishing a work project, or spending quality time with the kids. Give yourself credit when it's due.

Perfection is an impossible standard, set realistic expectations, goals, and boundaries at work and at home and recognize that it's okay to prioritize and make choices that align with your values and priorities. For example, if you're struggling to make it through every school event, it's okay to prioritize and choose the ones that mean the most to you and your family.

Another tip is to practice self compassion. Cut yourself some slack and show yourself some love. Remember you are doing the best you can with the resources and the time you have. So be kind to yourself, treat yourself with the same understanding you'd offer to a friend. If you ended up serving breakfast for dinner one night, instead of a healthy home cooked meal, don't sweat it! Tomorrow, is another day.

Another useful tip would be to focus on quality time. It's not about the quantity of time you spend with your kids, but the quality. So make the most of the moments you do have together by being present, engaged, fully focused on the kids. Put away your phone, forget about the work emails and just soak up those precious moments together, whether it is playing games, baking cookies, dancing in the living room, make those moments count. I think it's also important to communicate honestly, because it means that we are not afraid to reach out for help when we need it. It could be delegating tasks at work, or just asking a family member to help us with the kids. Having a supportive network is key. And it's so important to be able to admit that you can't do it all on your own.

Last but not least, prioritize self-care, you can not pour from an empty cup. So, make self care a priority. Instead of viewing it as selfish, see it as part of your well-being. Remind yourself that by taking care of your own needs, you are better able to show up for your family and your professional life. Taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of your family and your job.

Maedeh: It's so true that you cannot pour from an empty cup! Thank you for sharing these tips. Now, can you share some tips on how we can find time for self-care in our busy lives?

Alina: I hear this a lot from moms; I don't have time for me. I don't have time for self-care. I'd like to invite you to reframe that, let's MAKE time. Here are a few tips that can help.

First of all, prioritize your tasks for the week. Write them down and sort them into urgent and important, not urgent and not important. Focus on what's urgent and important. Those are the tasks that need your immediate attention. And challenge yourself to delete one to three non important tasks each week. Decide what can wait and what can be delegated, It's also important practicing saying no.

Learn to say no to activities, commitments or requests that don't align with your priorities and draining your energy. Saying no is a powerful act of self-care and self preservation. It's so important to put me-time on the calendar.

Schedule weekly self-care as it's a non-negotiable! Whether it's a yoga class, massage, workouts, date night with your partner or coffee with a friend, add it to your calendar and make it happen. And don't forget about this spontaneous bits of choices as I call them, if you could go out for a quick walk or take a bath or enjoy a cup of tea or listen to your favorite song, do it! Doing something that relaxes you and brings a smile on your face makes a big difference. These are tiny moments and they may seem insignificant, but they add up. I really encourage you to sprinkle them throughout the day.

Also, I think it's important to have a good nighttime routine, because getting enough sleep is crucial for our well-being. A solid nighttime routine is vital; put down your phone, stop scrolling and social media, turn off the TV, do your skincare routine, go to bed as early as you can. If you go to bed on time, maybe you can wake up 30 minutes early, and you could do something that makes you happy, meditating, journaling or to enjoy a cup of coffee in peace before the hassle of the day begins.

Maedeh: I agree, and self-care can mean different things to different people, figuring out what it is that brings you joy, what makes you smile and fills your cup and doing more of it is key, in my opinion!

Alina: Absolutely. Another tip is simply creating a cozy corner in your home where you can unwind. It could be a comfy chair where you can take a few moments just for yourself and to be kind to yourself. We all make mistakes, and that's okay. Let's practice self compassion and forgiveness. Forgiving ourselves when things don't go the way we planned is also very important. Retraining that self talk in our head to be nicer. Imagine what you're telling yourself, would you say those things to your child or your best friend? Probably not. so, be nicer to yourself!

Maedeh: Yeah, I feel like a lot of us shame ourselves in our head.

Alina: Yes, guilt and shame may seem similar, and people use them interchangeably, but they are quite different.

Guilt is described as the emotional response to a specific behavior or action that is perceived as wrong. So for a working mom, it may come from missing important moments with her kids such as not being able to attend a school play or being late for pickup because of a meeting. Guilt is that feeling of regret or remorse for not being there when her children need her.

Shame, on the other hand, operates in a more profound level in affecting one's sense of self. Unlike guilt, which is associated with action, shame is tied to an individual identity and self worth. When experiencing shame, people often internalize a negative belief about themselves, feeling fundamentally flawed and unworthy. Shame may creep in when a working mom compares herself to other moms who seem to have it all together, it's that internalized belief that she's not measuring up and that she's failing as a mom, because she's not able to be there for her kids as much as she'd like to be.

Maedeh: This has been a great conversation, Alina! Is there anything else you'd like to say to make this episode complete for you?

Alina: I'll go back to what I said in the beginning and that is "perfection is an illusion", you are doing the best you can with the resources you have!

Maedeh: Well said. And speaking from experience; the very first step towards change is deciding! Yes, you've got to decide first that you want to make a change before stepping towards that direction. You know you need to make time on your calendar for self-care to feel more balanced. You know you need to look into taking better care of your skin to feel your best. You know you need to start prioritizing exercise and movement, etc. But you've got to decide first and make room on your calendar, otherwise, none of it is going to magically happen.